Dark phase. Nothing to say. All is on lockdown.
Don’t know why but suddenly all desire for self-expression went dry. Story of my life.
Just complete writers block when you realise that nothing in your boring life warrants talking about. I should shut up now and not let the depression talk. It’s bad enough when it’s a voice in your head constantly saying how worthless you are.
So I’m reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. It has a part about Pride. I really recommend that part – it scared me to my bones. Short overview of what Lewis says – Pride is the chief sin, what separated the Devil from God, it’s competitive, it’s wanting to be better than others, the more you have it the less you can stand it in others (but you should really read it for yourself because I can’t explain it very well). Anyway, it got me thinking – is that the reason why I do anything these days (online). Just to get recognition, to have my ego stroked. That it’s not about writing it’s just about approval from the nameless masses? There’s no love for the work underneath. So Ms. Negative keeps saying that it’s all useless, who cares really and what’s the point. Let’s just abandon it like everything else in our lives.
So that all got me thinking why did I start this blog? The word I kept coming back to was attention and what I couldn’t admit all this time – pride. The prideful-nes of mine own self. Reading that chapter in Mere Christianity scared me so because it made too much sense. Like he could see through all the lies I built around myself.
So maybe I should break this cycle of vanity and actually find something to love in my writing. Something to hold on to in the darker days.